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I Wrote My First Suicide Note At The Age Of 13. This Is Why I Think We Need To Talk About It

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This post was originally published on the Women For Women Facebook group. It is being reproduced here on Lovin Malta with permission from the anonymous author.

I wrote my first suicide note at the age of 13 and by 28 I had survived 4 overdoses and numerous borderline attempts. The last OD was a close call and I was a couple of minutes away from death when I was discovered. The reaction of some people I knew was that I was selfish, stupid or doing it for attention; my boss almost fired me and called me a liability. It took every ounce of strength I had to walk down the street knowing that people were whispering and judging me. I pulled through and completely turned my life around, but I want to explain a few things about what goes through a suicidal person’s mind.

Firstly, I am not religious therefore I don’t put the concept of life on a pedastool. We are born, we live, we die. To me, glorifying it is the pinnacle of human arrogance.

Secondly, when I felt suicidal, I felt I was doing the world and everyone in it a favour. From a young age, I was told I was an “accident” and I believed there was no place for me in the world as I was not meant to be there. For this reason, I felt that by dying, I would be doing everyone a favour. When you combine this with the most extreme emotional and mental pain you can ever imagine, you would do anything for it to end. It’s an overwhelming feeling and you genuinely feel that it is the only option as well as the right thing to do.

I realise that what I write might sound harrowing and disturbed, but to those who are depressed or who pass through situations that have traumatised them, this is an every day reality.

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Yes, I am aware of the pain I caused my family and friends, as I was aware when I took the pills. But at the time, I genuinely believed it was the lesser of two evils.

Now I am “better” but there are still times these thoughts cross my mind, more out of habit than anything else. Do I think I would try to do it again? Probably not. If I want help I seek it and I now recognise the warning signs.

We must not and cannot judge, because until you have been to the darkest places that your mind and heart can take you, you will never be able to make sense of it.

There is a lot of work to be done in Malta when it comes to how to treat people like myself. I was shouted at, called names and even ignored by the hospital staff. I was in shock and extremely traumatised as well as under the effects of the drugs and not one ounce of understanding was offered to me. I felt like a criminal and I was made to feel like I wished I had succeeded.

Not to mention the fact I was interviewed by the police just after I woke up.

When I returned to hospital for an unrelated injury over a year later, they brought it up and judged me for it.

If you need someone to talk to, Apo??’s 24 hour hotline is just a call away on 179.

Share this post if you agree that there is still a lot of work to be done in Malta in this field.

READ NEXT: I’m 18 Years Old, And After A Failed Suicide Attempt Mount Carmel Saved My Life

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Lovin Malta's Head of Content, Dave has been in journalism for the better half of the last decade. Prefers Instagram, but has been known to doomscroll on TikTok. Loves chicken, women's clothes and Kanye West (most of the time).

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