Things Maltese People Say When It Gets Cold
As you probably already know, we’re in for a bit of a cold spell, with temperatures going down to (shock! horror!) 7 degrees. Since Malta decided to skip Winter completely last year, you may have forgotten the drivel Maltese people say when it gets a bit nippy.
No worries, we’re here to remind you.
1. “Qaħba x’bard!”
(Prostitute, it’s cold!)
Fair enough. It is cold. But there are other things going on in the world. Rubbing your hands together like an overexcited Fantozzi and blowing hard enough into them to dislodge Aunty Grace’s rollers should suffice to remedy the situation. Drawing all and sundry’s attention to the lack of warmth, whilst inserting a mild obscenity serves absolutely no use. Saying it every fucking minute won’t help either.
2. “Ilbislu ta!”
(Dress up!)
The terror of a “bidu ta’ bronkite” paralyses the nation. As soon as the barometer points to “chilly”, maternal figures the nation over prepare their speech for the young and foolish. Going out into the ten degree wilderness without donning a beanie, scarf, gloves and perhaps the freshly slain warm corpse of a Tauntaun is sheer insanity. Ilbislu minn hemm, ja miġnun!
3. “Ma kellniex mezzutemp dis-sena!”
(We didn’t have a ‘middle-season’ this year)
Ah, the sweet memories of times gone by! An era when dragons roamed the skies, unicorns galloped majestically over the plains of Marsa and the fabled mezzutemp mildness was enjoyed by young and old, rich and poor, chavs and mittelkless alike. Get over it. Malta has two seasons: blazing heat and bone-chilling cold. We segue seamlessly from one to the other. Mezzutemp: the myth that never was.
4. “Il-bard ta’ Malta tħossu fl-għadam!”
(You’ll feel Malta’s cold in your bones)
When your friend from Inner Siberia snorts at your feebleness whenever the mercury drops slightly below the usual 15 degrees, you recoil in offended anger. Granted, he may be used to temperatures of minus 60, but it’s not the same!
Malta’s cold is a separate, inexplicable entity. It chills you to the bone, and the equivalence is something like 10 degrees here feeling like the dark spaces between the stars elsewhere. Something to do with humidity or something like that. Foreigners will never understand.
5. “Ħu ħsiebha dik is-sogħla!”
(Take care of that cough!)
Cough once when it gets cold. Go on, I dare you! The Maltese terror of your mild upper respiratory tract infection transforming itself into a particularly virulent strain of the Bubonic Plague is real. You’ll be showered with concern and invariably, the above phrase will surface.
What the actual fuck does it mean? How can one take care of a cough? Should I nurse it with kitten milk and keep it in a warm blanket with a ticking clock to mimic the sound of its mother’s heartbeat? Should I open a trust fund for it? Should I ensure that it gets a good grounding in the arts and languages so as to ascertain its future? What are you on about?
BONUS: “Maaa, it’s really fresh outside!”
What, as opposed to stale? You mean, like a fish? Please, follow No Doubt’s advice and don’t speak.
