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How ‘Rosemary’s Baby’ Would Pan Out If It Was Set In Malta

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Cult classic Rosemary’s Baby didn’t just make waves back in 1968 when it was released. The psychological horror is to this day one of the favourite cult films around, and it had reasonably so been very controversial in Malta. It tells us the story of a woman who unknowingly becomes impregnated by Satan himself, in order to conceive his sweet, satanic lovechild. Cute

A lot of people are fascinated with this film and its ending, however shit would’ve gone down much differently if it were set in Malta. Here’s how we think it would all go down.

1. The Balluta Buildings would replace the Bram

Screen Shot 2018 05 17 At 16 37 20

There’s just no better local spot to set this film in.

The imposing Art Nouveau apartment block was built back in 1928, and although it holds no particular ties to the paranormal, it would be the perfect substitute for the Bramford apartment building. 

2. Everybody would’ve thought Minnie and Roman were Jehovah’s Witnesses

Satanists were not as popular back then as they were in the 1990s. 

Since the movie is set in the 60s, everyone would think that the Castevets held some quirky beliefs like Jehovah’s Witnesses or something equally feared back in the 60s. 

Knocking randomly on people’s doors, being intrusive and trying to convert people was all the rage back then. 

3. Dr.Hill would be played by Chris Fearne

The loveable doctor would be the original Dr. Hill — the clueless doctor trying to be helpful by unknowingly delivering Rosemary to the Satanists.

4. Marlene Farrugia would offer Rosemary a place to stay

The PD MP Marlene Farrugia would offer her grown-up daughter’s bedroom to Rosemary as soon as she hears the news.

5. Dr. Sant would hands down be Abe Sapirstein

Dr. Sant, Malta’s top leading gynaecologist would definitely be Dr. Abe Sapirstein — New York’s top gynae with a very personal and satanic agenda. 

Sant is Malta’s most popular and sought after doctor, so this is a perfect fit.

6. The Kurja would instantly be on it

Well, not really. 

They’d be clueless AF trying to fight IVF and holding up a hip online presence.

7. Alfred Sant would definitely play Hutch

Alfred Sant is also a famous writer who’s very smart and good at cracking codes.

 We can see this in some of his masterpieces like L-Għalqa tal-Iskarjota — nobody on this island would be as good as Sant to play the genius writer. 

8. Satan’s son would have a Maltese name, and that would make it even worse

Denzil, Kai or Zylon are all top choices Rosemary would have for her and Satan’s progeny.

9. It would be impossible for Guy and Rosemary to alienate their friends

Wherever you go out in Malta, you will meet someone you know, and it would be impossible for Rosemary to roam around the St. Julians area without meeting any of her dear friends. 

10. Guy’s career would mostly be fuelled by Elio Lombardi movies

In the film, Guy makes a pact with Satan for fame and fortune in Manhattan. 

If this were set in Malta, Satan would’ve given Guy a prolific career in Elio Lombardi films

11. Rosemary would never lose weight

Between meeting up with the kunjata, living in St. Julians, and the fixation this country has with feeding pregnant women, it would be impossible for Rosemary to look gaunt during her first two trimesters. 

12. The traffic scene would be static

The scene where Rosemary deliriously stumbled about Manhattan traffic during rush hour would have almost been impossible.

Walking through St. Julians traffic in the morning is like walking through terracotta soldiers. Nothing ever moves.

Did we forget to mention anything else? Leave a comment below

READ NEXT: 13 Classic Movie Posters With A Maltese Twist

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