Like the true ex-British colony that we are, a vast number of the Maltese had their noses pressed against their TV screens on Saturday to witness yet another Royal Wedding – this time marking the union of Prince Harry and in-some-way-shape-or-form-of-Maltese-descent Suits actress Meghan Markle. 

As with all Maltese television parties, a few key talking points are unlikely to have been missed. 

1. The “we have to watch because she’s Maltese” argument

Meghan Markle’s buz-buz-nanna was born in Malta way back at the tail-end of the 19th century. Naturally, that one-sixteenth of Maltese genetic makeup is enough to make even the staunchest of local anti-royalists want to tune in. 

2. Wondering how many flats Meghan Markle’s dress could buy

The Duchess of Sussex wore a custom-made Givenchy dress rumoured to be worth a cool €300,000, which immediately spun the conversation in the direction of how many one-bedroom fletsijiet you could buy. 

3. Annoyed for no particular reason at what the British consider a “chapel”

Call it tiny-country-syndrome if you will. The Royal Wedding took place in the beautiful St. George’s “chapel” on the grounds of Windsor Castle. 

Note the word “chapel”. 

Dear Britons: this is a chapel. 

This is a chapel. 

This is a blinking cathedral. But sure, we’ll call it St. George’s Chapel. 

4. Judging all the wedding outfits

Between the coos of “kemm huma ħelwin il-flower girls”, and the “ara haqq, did mhux Oprah?” at least one family member kept tabs on all the outfits at the wedding. And as much as they loved regaling on how they hated the dead flamingo atop Camilla’s head, you know they too wore an almost identical hat to the last family wedding. 

5. Tearily reminiscing about Princess Diana

“Propja Diana, jaħasra!” said at least one person at the viewing, as they watched Meghan walk down the aisle. And if you can’t remember who said it, you probably did yourself. 

6. Showboating all old royal wedding memorabilia

If you happened to visit your Nanna last Saturday, odds are she dug up some old commemorative Diana-Charles biscuit tin from the back of a godforsaken cupboard and had you nibbling on stale shortbreads while Harry said his ‘I dos’. 

7. Shitting on Camilla for no particular reason

Your relatives are more further removed from the Duchess of Cornwall than the Moon is from the sun. But they don’t like her. And nothing you say will make them think otherwise. 

Tag someone who streamed the whole #RoyalWedding on Instagram

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Matthew Baldacchino

Self-titled resident SJW and expressionless in-house Head of Internal Marketing. Matt loves prepping vegan and vegetarian food, consumes way too much coffee, and has an unhealthy penchant for storyboarded Instagram Stories. When he's not trying to figure out social media policies, marketing strategies or cracking SEO conundrums, you can catch him as the host of Basically, Livestream Of Consciousness or Lovin Daily. Hit him up if you've got a story about the environment, arts and culture, health, politics and activism, or LGBTQI+ issues. He's also a doctor, but we don't talk about that.